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Old July 20th, 2014, 05:27 PM
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Default Buffalo Rider (Guy on a Buffalo)

The other day [MENTION=28]Midnight Marauder[/MENTION] posted a clip called "Guy on a Buffalo" to his facebook page. It was funny. It could have ended there. In fact, it should have ended there. But curiosity got the best of me and I researched a little and found out the clips came from a movie called "Buffalo Rider", a movie loosely based on the life of Charles "Buffalo" Jones. By loosely, I mean that the main character is called "Buffalo Jones" and he shares Charles' love for buffaloes. Other than that, the entire thing is made up. Here is the full version of the "Guy on a Buffalo" comic shorts that were made featuring scenes from the movie.


[Spoiler Alert]

At this point I will give away a few details about the movie. Like the entire plot. So if you have been planning to watch it but haven't had a few free hours since 1978, stop reading here.

Buffalo Rider is the single greatest movie about a man riding a Buffalo. That could be because it is the only movie ever about a guy riding a buffalo, or it could be the subtleties of the plot and the intricate character building. For the sake of this review, I'm going with the former.

The movie starts out giving you a long version of the history of the American Buffalo. I'll shorten it up for you. There were a bunch of them. People shot them. Now, not so many.

Now the entire movie is narrated, so there are very few lines uttered by any of the characters. We meet the first characters early on. There are 3 of them. A hunter, and two guys that cut the skin off of the buffalo he shoots so they can sell them. They are neanderthals who beat each other up and shoot buffalo and generally act like idiots.

Now we meet the star of this epic Hollywood production. Okay, actually it appears to have been shot by the film department of Brigham Young University, but whatever. Jake Jones is a dude who likes buffaloes. So one day he is riding his horse and he sees a young buffalo being attacked by coyotes. He rescues him, takes him home, and treats his wounds. This buffalo grows up to be "Samson" and he turns him into a method of transportation.

The next half hour or so that you will never get back, you watch this idiot try to put a saddle on his buffalo, finally mount the damned thing, then do whatever it's called when you teach a buffalo how to be a horse. Finally, he gets the hang of it and they start riding pretty good, and a bear chases them, then they chase the bear, and then they ride off while the bear runs in circles trying to figure out if he really just saw what he thinks he just saw.

At this point man's desire to kill buffaloes get's a little over-stated. I think. So some Indian is hiding behind a stump, and he sees a guy on a buffalo, so he shoots at him. He's a bad shot, and slow at reloading, so dude circles back around on his buffalo, then sneaks up on the Indian who is reloading (did I mention that he is slow at reloading?) and takes his gun and beats him with it. Then he breaks the gun and, for good measure, steps on his foot. Shortly thereafter he confronts the hunter and his two idiot sidekicks and they want his buffalo, so they shoot him.

Some time later, some jackass is walking around the woods and finds half dead guy on a buffalo and takes him home and he and his wife nurse him back to health. At this point guy on a buffalo adopts a raccoon named (points for originality) "Bandit" who eats from a plate. One day Bandit is standing on a piece of ice drinking from a river when a cougar attacks. Cougars do not have guns, nor do they have opposeable thumbs even if they did have guns, so he had to improvise and find a way to kill the raccoon. He decided to drown him. Again, no thumbs. So he has to use his head. You see the problem here, right? So while the cougar never realizes that he is a cougar and he could just bite his fucking head off, he does at some point realize that his attempts to drown Bandit would also drown him, and at this point he wanders off to look for other things to drown. Bandit survives, but thankfully is never heard from again.

So now it's time to say goodby to Jake and all his animal kin. The people who rescued him offer to let him stay, and they say they have family coming from St Joseph (it is not entirely clear if they mean the town in Missouri or the University in Philadelphia, but I'm guessing Missouri.) but he is tired of being the third wheel so he's out. Meanwhile the hunter (yes, same dude) and his sidekicks attack the family coming to visit and kill the adults and leave the baby for dead. Guy on a Buffalo finds the carnage and rescues the baby.

He decides to take a "shortcut" over the mountains to get the baby to the people that rescued him. This requires crossing a river. He tries it while riding the buffalo, but the first attempt to drown the baby fails. He has to swim across the river in a second attempt to drown the baby. This attempt also fails, but at least the get across the river. Then, in a movie where bears, cougars, coyotes, and wolves are constantly popping out of nowhere and attacking shit for no reason, he leaves the nearly drowned infant laying on the ground to go back and get his stupid buffalo. But hey, it's called "Buffalo Rider" not "Awesome Dad". If the baby dies, it is sad but you'll get over it. If the buffalo dies, this movie is over before it even gets started, and we can't have that now can we?

They get across the river, get the baby to the couple that took him and his buffalo and raccoon in, and give them one final burden, caring for their dead families orphan baby. Then Guy on a Buffalo sets out to find the 3 idiots that did this and get revenge. Now if you're still reading this crap, I should point out that at this point there are precisely 12 minutes left in the movie. Meaning, everything that happened up until this point (in the first hour and 12 minutes) was character building and what not. This here is the ham and eggs of this cinematic train wreck.

Apparently, Jake is quite the stalker as he is able to follow these dudes now week old footprints. And he's pretty fucking fast too, because he catches up to them and finds them in (wait for it) a bar. What ensues is pretty much a bull in a china shop. Except it's not a bull, it's a buffalo... And it's not a china shop, it's a bar. But other than that, it is exactly like a bull in a china shop. The scene ends with two of the 3 idiots dead. He sets out to find the third.

Did I mention that Guy on a Buffalo is quite the stalker? He sees a set of tracks and is able to deduce that it is "one man on a mule" from simply looking at them. He follows the tracks, then cuts around the mountain, and cuts the third idiot off at the pass. Dude falls off the mule and the buffalo tramples him.

Guy on a Buffalo rides back to the people that rescued him and tells them that he got their revenge. They offer to let him stay but he has better shit to do and a buffalo to ride so he leaves. At that point you find out that the guy narrating the movie is the grandson of the baby that was found in the woods.

Now at this point you probably expect me to give this theatrical masterpiece 5 stars, but I do have one serious beef with this thing. Throughout the movie we are repeatedly reminded that Jake Jones was known throughout the land as "Buffalo Jones" and that he was quite the legend. However, through the course of the movie not one single solitary character calls him "Buffalo Jones" at any point. Not the hunters, the people who rescued him, the town folk, not even the bear that gets chased by the buffalo. He is called the man riding the buffalo, the Guy on a Buffalo, but never "Buffalo Jones".

For that reason I can only give it one star. It should also be noted that this flick had not one, but three directors. In other words, every god awful minute of this movie made it past the cutting desk three times. This, of course, makes me want to buy the DVD so I can see the deleted scenes.
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  #2  
Old July 20th, 2014, 05:42 PM
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I'll take "Clinic on how to write a movie review that's worse than the movie itself but probably isn't" for a hundred, Alex.
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Old July 20th, 2014, 06:56 PM
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I have to admit it wasn't horrible, just bad.
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Old July 20th, 2014, 06:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trlrtrash13 View Post
I have to admit it wasn't horrible, just bad.
The movie? Or the review?
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Old July 20th, 2014, 07:05 PM
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For those interested, the original movie appears to be VERY loosely based on the life of this guy:

Charles "Buffalo" Jones - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

And if they actually made a serious movie about him it would be much more worthwhile than this apparent parody. Dude was like the Forrest Gump of the Old West, rubbing elbows with the likes of Buffalo Bill Cody, Wyatt Earp, Pat Garrett, and so on. He was co-founder of the city of Garden City Kansas.

He never rode a Buffalo though but he must have been one tough sumbitch, having survived Typhoid fever and malaria and dying at the (for the time) advanced old age of 75.

Quote:
Charles Jesse Jones, known as Buffalo Jones (January 31, 1844 – October 1, 1919), was an American frontiersman, farmer, rancher, hunter, and conservationist who cofounded Garden City, Kansas. He has been cited by the National Archives as one of the "preservers of the American bison".[1]

Jones was born near Pekin in Tazewell County, Illinois, to Noah Nicholas Jones and the former Jane Munden. His father was a farmer and election judge who once hired Abraham Lincoln as an attorney. The second oldest of twelve children, Jones was reared on a farm at Money Creek in McLean County in central Illinois near Bloomington. Jones became involved at an early age with the capture of wild animals and kept several as pets. For two years, he attended Illinois Wesleyan University in Bloomington, but withdrew after being stricken with typhoid fever. In 1866, at the age of 22, Jones came to Troy in Doniphan County in the northeastern corner of Kansas, to operate a fruit tree nursery.[2] In 1869, he wed the former Martha Walton, a descendant of naturalist Izaak Walton. The couple had two sons, who died in childhood, and two daughters, Jessie and Olive.[3]

Soon, Jones left the tree nursery and headed west to Osborne County in north central Kansas, where he built a sod house and began earning his livelihood by hunting bison and capturing wild horses. These lengthy hunting trips took Jones into West Texas, where he met the famed lawman Pat Garrett (who in 1881 killed the desperado, Billy the Kid) in Fort Sumner, New Mexico Territory). Some accounts place Jones on March 18, 1877, at the Battle of Yellow House Canyon (also called the Battle of Thompson's Canyon) near the future Lubbock, Texas. His success at hunting earned him the sobriquet "Buffalo" Jones. In addition to hunting bison, he tamed buffalo calves and sold them at county fairs.[2]
Garden City

On April 8, 1879, Jones, along with John A. Stevens and the brothers William D. and James R. Fulton, founded Garden City, the seat of Finney County in southwestern Kansas. Each man homesteaded 160 acres (0.65 km2). The Jones addition lies west of 8th Street.[1]

Jones was elected the first mayor of Garden City. In that capacity, he met such western figures as Wyatt Earp and Buffalo Bill Cody. He also became involved in real estate, and occasionally drove a team of buffalo calves through the streets of Garden City as a promotional stunt, a practice still followed twice daily with cattle in the Fort Worth Stockyards in Fort Worth, Texas.[2] Jones promoted Garden City as the county seat and donated land for the first courthouse. He built the Buffalo Jones block on Grant Street, the Herald Building, and the Lincoln and Grant buildings on 8th street, named for Abraham Lincoln and U.S. Grant. His home at 515 North 9th Street is still used as a residence.[1]

Jones was the first member from Finney County to the Kansas House of Representatives. He served two interrupted terms, first as an Independent from District 127 (1885–1886) and then as a Republican in District 122 (1889–1890).[4]

He organized four irrigation companies to take water one hundred miles from the Arkansas River to aid in the cultivation of 75,000 acres (300 km2) of land. Jones contracted with the former Atchison, Topeka, and Santa Fe Railroad to build a depot in Garden City. He encouraged the movement of thousands of settlers into the region.[5]

Preserving the buffalo


Meanwhile, Jones started several buffalo herds about Garden City that served as the foundation for both private and public herds in the region. He found only 37 bison in the area. His small herd provided ten animals for a private zoo at a cost of $1,000 each.[6]

In the spring of 1886, alarmed about the pending extinction of the bison, Jones set forth from Kendall in Hamilton County, Kansas, toward the Texas Panhandle to find remaining animals. He lassoed eighteen calves and took them safely back to Kansas. Such western authors as Emerson Hough began to notice Jones's contributions. Jones met the pioneer Texas rancher Charles Goodnight, who was crossbreeding buffalo with cattle to produce beefalo, also called cattalo, an otherwise sturdy breed often born sterile. Jones himself later tried producing cattalo. From 1886-1889, Jones accumulated more than 50 head, including a buffalo herd he had purchased in Winnipeg, Manitoba, which required shipment to Garden City. From this herd, Jones sold animals to zoos, parks, or to other ranchers. He personally delivered ten buffalo to a purchaser in Liverpool, England, a task which earned him $10,000, then a large amount of money. Jones was a victim of the Panic of 1893. A second ranch he purchased in Nebraska failed, and he sold his remaining herd to ranchers in Montana and California.[2]

On September 16, 1893, Jones used two horses to make the run for land into the Cherokee Outlet of Oklahoma. In 1897-1898, he traveled to the Arctic Circle, where his party wintered in a cabin they had constructed near the Great Slave Lake. He captured five baby musk oxen, which were afterwards slaughtered by superstitious Indians.[1] Jones' exploits of how he and his party shot and fended off a hungry wolf pack near Great Slave Lake was verified in 1907 by Ernest Thompson Seton and Edward Alexander Preble, when they discovered the remains of the animals near the long abandoned cabin.[2] In 1899, Jones captured a bighorn sheep for the National Zoo in Washington D.C. That same year, with Colonel Henry Inman (1837–1899), he published an autobiography, Buffalo Jones' Forty Years of Adventure.[2]

Jones never fully recovered from the malaria. He spent his last years in New Mexico, San Antonio, Texas, and Denver, Colorado. He patented an irrigation device and sought backers for the project.[5] He also envisioned crossbreeding domestic sheep with Rocky Mountain bighorns.[7]

Jones became ill in 1917, and died two years later of a heart attack at the home of his younger daughter, Olive J. Whitmer, in Topeka, Kansas. His other daughter was Jessie J. Phillips of Chicago, Illinois. Jones was interred beside his wife and sons, all of whom predeceased him, at Valley View Cemetery in Garden City.[8]

In a long obituary published in The New York Times, Jones was described as having been "known throughout America as 'Buffalo Jones', famous cowboy and big game hunter and friend of the late former President Theodore Roosevelt."[9] There is no mention in The Times that Jones was "the first, great, and highly original preserver-user of North America’s wildlife."[7]

In 1959, Jones was posthumously inducted into the Hall of Great Westerners of the National Cowboy Hall of Fame in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. On July 4, 1979, a permanent exhibit in the Finney County Historical Museum in Garden City was dedicated to Jones' memory.[1] There is a statue of Jones at the Finney County Courthouse, and the Buffalo Jones Elementary School in Garden City bears his name.

Buffalo Rider is a movie dramatizing his life. He is the guy on the buffalo.

Jones's museum exhibits conclude, as follows: "He was a frontier entrepreneur willing to take risk to win rewards. Throughout his life, the capital which he never lost was energy, imagination, and willingness to take personal and financial risks."[5]
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Old July 20th, 2014, 07:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Midnight Marauder View Post
The movie? Or the review?
The movie. The review you can judge for yourself. It was more an attempt to prove that I did sit through this entire waste of time and less a legitimate review.
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Old July 20th, 2014, 10:17 PM
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Originally Posted by trlrtrash13 View Post
The movie. The review you can judge for yourself. It was more an attempt to prove that I did sit through this entire waste of time and less a legitimate review.
What a horrible movie and definitely NOT a homage to the real Buffalo Jones.
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Old July 21st, 2014, 02:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Midnight Marauder View Post
What a horrible movie and definitely NOT a homage to the real Buffalo Jones.
Did you watch it?
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Old July 21st, 2014, 11:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trlrtrash13 View Post
Did you watch it?
No, there was no reason to watch it after reading your blow by blow review. You may well have saved at least a million brain cells.
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Old July 21st, 2014, 02:09 PM
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Not exactly saved. More like sacrificed. I killed mine so you don't have to.

TT
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